spilled guts

Im not content.

It has come to my knoweldge that for real. I maybe putting on a front. Im happy on the outside. my shell is bright and happy and fullfilled... but truly...

as i lay awake at night. i yearn for something, someone, somewhere, to awaken me again... to bring me truth, to walk beside me, to inspire me to follow my dreams...

---STOP---

Dreams... do i have them.. meh.. sure.
I wanna be successful... pause...
what do i really want in life??? i ponder...

the truth serfaces thru the fog.
I feel critically judged by my parents
I want to make them happy
I have sometimes been forced to give information to them against my will
other times i freely gave information they took it and ran
"how could you do this? how could you? "
I take ownership. I messed up.
But is it really a mess up if i wanted to do it?

oh now we are getting into the serious uptight side of religion are we?

its still sin. even if you liked it... many things we do are pleasurable... but are still
--------SIN---------
and it was and is my sin that put Jesus on the cross.

Which leads me to wonder...
WHY???????
I mean serisouly why in the world would he care SOOOOOOOOO much about me that he wanted to die for me... so that i could live forever with him???
and nothing i could ever do could make him love me any less...

but as i sin i find i love myslef less?

I love alot of things.
food mainly... hmmm yup... it has NEVER let me down.
do i love my parents? yup.. but im suppose to right?
sometimes i dont feel the love. we are so distant
everything i do has a negative thought after it...

After a long day i sit down turn the tv on to relax alittle
I DONT WANT THE TV ON- My mother grieps

+++++++++++++++++++
anyhoo im ranting

the main point is:
my people pleezer charactoristic is totially outa wack.
its so strong its taking over my life.

when i think of what i want to do in life im puzzled.
because idk....
i cant pleeze myself when im trying to pleeze everyone else

______________________________________
I just relized when i feel happy... i think its wrong
Like true happyness... i feel ashamed.
cant tell anyone.. cuz they will judge me
even tho their judgement doesnt matter...
in the case of my parents...
they have used this judgment/dissapline/brainwashing/authority
way to heavily... we are not going to support you financially if you dont do what we say.
____________________________________
my relationships are all messed up with boyz
I dont know what i want
I have the time of my life watching a movie with a guy
I am truely happy... we kiss.
the next day i feel dirty, like i sinned
is this normall?
yet i carry on a serious relationship with a guy thats
not good for me. he just wants to use me. and my
rebelious side knows its wrong but i get a thrill outa
doing it then. and i dont have a hint of remorse.

how is any of this normal?

Why dont i have control of my life

...because... im so far from God.

:(

beautiful broken looser

*warning* this post my be blunt/its raw feelings.....its my life.

so ive finally come to a point in my life where im wonding why.... (again)

Im happy living life. but I am wondering if this is really it... 

where is my passion

where is my love

where is my life????

ive drifted so far 

I want to be free

but im sucked into the 

lure of the real world

BUT I STAND UP FOR WHAT I BELIEVE IN

and i still feel empty

i choose not to participate in sinful actions and i still feel so alone

***

a few of you know im house sitting this week and next

its showing me ALOT

IM A RELATIONAL PERSON

i love people

i love talking

i love listening

but i mostly just love their presence

so there for i dont want to be alone :( 

i understand now why i havent moved out... because then i would be alone :( 

soooooooo ... im stuck

ive learned kitty cats are a girls best friend

I need(with Gods help) to make and keep a quiet time with God.

i need to figure out my financial responsibilities and budget and keep to it

I NEED TO SEEK OUT FRIENDS

i need to TRUST God 

trust that he knows what hes doing

trust that he loves me

trust that he will never leave me

trust him with my life

... and thats alil hard right now. 

City on our Knees by TobyMac
If you gotta start somewhere why not here
If you gotta start sometime why not now
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta start sometime I say now
Through the fog there is hope in the distance
From cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave

Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide in a beautiful display
It’s all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

If you gotta start somewhere why not here
If you gotta start sometime why not now
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta start sometime I say now
Through the fog there is hope in the distance
From cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave

Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide in a beautiful display
It’s all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh-oh-oh

Tonight could last forever
We are one choice from together
Tonight could last forever
Ooh
Tonight could last forever
We are one choice from together
As family
We’re family
Oh Tonight could last forever
We are one choice from together
You and me
Ya, you and me
Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide
In a glorious display
Cuz its all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh oh oh
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh oh oh
If we gotta start somewhere why not here
If we gotta start sometime why not now 

This song is impacting me alot... 

im listening to it on repeat.

Im thinking alot about my career choice... like 

what do i want to be when i grow up....

i found out im:

Realistic - Realistic occupations frequently involve work activities that include practical, hands-on problems and solutions. They often deal with plants, animals, and real-world materials like wood, tools, and machinery. Many of the occupations require working outside, and do not involve a lot of paperwork or working closely with others.

:)

I keep praying God would show me... THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO>>> haha but i guess it doesnt work that way. il just keep praying