beautiful broken looser

*warning* this post my be blunt/its raw feelings.....its my life.

so ive finally come to a point in my life where im wonding why.... (again)

Im happy living life. but I am wondering if this is really it... 

where is my passion

where is my love

where is my life????

ive drifted so far 

I want to be free

but im sucked into the 

lure of the real world

BUT I STAND UP FOR WHAT I BELIEVE IN

and i still feel empty

i choose not to participate in sinful actions and i still feel so alone

***

a few of you know im house sitting this week and next

its showing me ALOT

IM A RELATIONAL PERSON

i love people

i love talking

i love listening

but i mostly just love their presence

so there for i dont want to be alone :( 

i understand now why i havent moved out... because then i would be alone :( 

soooooooo ... im stuck

ive learned kitty cats are a girls best friend

I need(with Gods help) to make and keep a quiet time with God.

i need to figure out my financial responsibilities and budget and keep to it

I NEED TO SEEK OUT FRIENDS

i need to TRUST God 

trust that he knows what hes doing

trust that he loves me

trust that he will never leave me

trust him with my life

... and thats alil hard right now. 

City on our Knees by TobyMac
If you gotta start somewhere why not here
If you gotta start sometime why not now
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta start sometime I say now
Through the fog there is hope in the distance
From cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave

Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide in a beautiful display
It’s all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

If you gotta start somewhere why not here
If you gotta start sometime why not now
If we gotta start somewhere I say here
If we gotta start sometime I say now
Through the fog there is hope in the distance
From cathedrals to third world missions
Love will fall to the earth like a crashing wave

Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide in a beautiful display
It’s all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh-oh-oh

Tonight could last forever
We are one choice from together
Tonight could last forever
Ooh
Tonight could last forever
We are one choice from together
As family
We’re family
Oh Tonight could last forever
We are one choice from together
You and me
Ya, you and me
Tonight’s the night
For the sinners and the saints
Two worlds collide
In a glorious display
Cuz its all love tonight
When we step across the line
We can sail across the sea
To a city with one king
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh oh oh
A city on our knees
A city on our knees
Oh oh oh
If we gotta start somewhere why not here
If we gotta start sometime why not now 

This song is impacting me alot... 

im listening to it on repeat.

Im thinking alot about my career choice... like 

what do i want to be when i grow up....

i found out im:

Realistic - Realistic occupations frequently involve work activities that include practical, hands-on problems and solutions. They often deal with plants, animals, and real-world materials like wood, tools, and machinery. Many of the occupations require working outside, and do not involve a lot of paperwork or working closely with others.

:)

I keep praying God would show me... THIS IS WHAT I WANT YOU TO DO>>> haha but i guess it doesnt work that way. il just keep praying

fall

yo! 

Life is alright... work is ... well work. im trying to make the most out of it but its hard when you get yelled at all the time.... Im starting to like inbound more now where you actually take the calls instead of calling people so there a little nicer cuz they actually initiated the call! but its still telemarketing... 

Im slowly getting a life... ish. I still dont have many friends around here. but oh well. im driving about 30-60 min. to hang out with christian friends. 

:( i feel so alone... im starting to hate living at home... 

I have dreams..... but i learned in church today that God wants us to sell our possessions and give to the poor and follow him. so maybe i just need to give up on my dreams sell what i have and follow him. :( heartbreaking it seems. eventhou i know God has the best plan for me.. better than i could ever imagine but God never says when hes going to give it to us. like job.. God allowed him to be tempted and he hurt and had an anguishing life... but he still believed and i bet his riches were amazing in heaven. but why do we have to wait? why cant we just have a little now.  

*LOVE*

I cant say i have ever been "in Love"

Ive looked for love in all the wrong places 

but i want love to look like this:

BETHANY DILLON LYRICS

"When You Love Someone"

This morning was a fight to get up
Those words still ringing in my head
Never felt like such a fool in front of anyone
I guess that's what you do when you love someone

I was in Nashville, you were driving home
I wish I'd been in the passenger seat
I just needed you to know that I'm coming undone
That's what you do when you love someone

If I fall, I'll try a little harder and get back up
Please stay by me, love
That's what you do when you love someone
That's what you do when you love someone

Just give me time, if you need more
There's no way to ever really know
How to protect yourself or predict the outcome
But you'll do anything when you love someone
You'll do anything when you love someone

If I fall, I'll try a little harder and get back up
Please stay by me, love
That's what you do when you love someone
That's what you do when you love someone

I just hung up the phone
You've got a way of changing my day
You proved me wrong
When I was convinced I was alone
Yeah, that's what you do when you love someone

If I fall, I'll try a little harder and get back up
Please stay by me, love
That's what you do when you love someone
That's what you do when you love someone

*****************

So I will wait until a guy like this comes around! 

:)

life

hey,
I dont have much time.
I just wanted to say... I am finally happy :)
life is going good.
my relationship with God is strong!
:)
I will write more later... when i have time!
tootles

HELLO PEOPLE

HI! Its been awhile. 

summer kinda flew by. it started out by me working on the farm... "working" i didnt like it so my work ethic failed...

JULY 27th I started work at charlton in monroe... i worked 4-9pm in training....

it was fun but it kinda felt like school. 

this is my 4th and final week of training today.. then i start my actual full time hours next week which is 8-4:30! 

Life is good. Im learning to trust and obey. im learning living with my parents doesnt mean im independent. it means im still under their control.,

SOOOOOooooooo... im looking into an apartment. I found one. but i dont know if i like it. im looking onto many options for housing.... 

well i gotta get going... take care!!

Summer 2009

Summer is a lot different from what i originally expected.  Im working on the farm full time milking cows mainly, feeding calves, and driving tractor a bit. 

Im quite lonely. I miss my friends, and emmaus atmosphere! 

i am learning patience, putting my trust in God! 

AUG 31?????????

I don't know what to do in the fall... 

Im praying for direction... submitting to the Lord.. and asking that he show me the way... 

"Let there be 

MUSIC 

in my HEART 

throughout all seasons...

Let my spirit sing 

a song of hope

in happiness or tears...

Let me live my life 

in harmony with God,

as peace with others,

as love plays out 

the melody of all my days and years... " 

SPRING BANQUET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Spring Banquet was pretty much amazing! 

the cruise was cancelled tho.. which was sad

the movie was cool

im happy with where steven and i are at.

we want to take things slow.. and im surprised at how much i want this

we are going to talk to his parents and possibly my parents about their thoughts

and i think that is amazing

hes an awesome guy with incredible faith!

schools almost done

Im excited to go to chicago!

:) :) :) 

otherwise nuthin new! 

lost in time!

Hey... I havent posted in awhile... so i randomly decided to..

I was sitting in tam's room listening to a song and i felt the need to blog! 

life is going well in every aspect EXCEPT school work :( 

If hit the scary point of not really caring anymore...

one of these days i will just have a moment and decide to maybe even work ahead!

I love learning... but i also love having fun.. 

A song that has become my fav:

***

A passion bubbles inside 

leaking through the cracks

when I see you across the room

i cant help but smile

as a tingle shapes my heart

Ive never felt so alive 

with you by my side

a new sence of reality 

wanting what's only best for 

you and me

I just want to know

how this should flow

I wonder what your thinking

My mind feels like sinking

How do i express my feelings for you?

how do i know if you want something too?

FAIL

Currently listening to: Something on my mind-Hawk Nelson

walking her home

So OT is a total failure. the test i took today...i haddent studied THAT HARD FOR IT!

which is my own problem

I EXTREMELY DISLIKE HOW SOME PEOPLE CAN JUST READ SOMETHING ONCE... AND THEY HAVE IT...

praise God they have that gift. I probably have a different gift

what about that people ... why do we have to suffer because were not that smart?

thats just an excuse... its not their fault for being smart. its my fault for knowing i struggle... and i should have done something about it

Maybe its just a lack of effort but when you have to work harder to get the same level learned its DEPRESSING!

It is really depressing... but if i would have worked harder i prolly would have gotten a good grade... you get what you put in!

the end of failure rant

So theres this guy... :)

His name is Steven...

we have been hanging out a lot lately. 

he is an interesting character! 

He is the complete opposite of my personality... so take me and think complete opposite... now add the ability to have fun.  in and thats steven! 

he asked me to spring banquet which takes place the last weekend in april!

Im taking each day as it comes and letting things happen as they happen... and i have been so much happier because of it!!

Spring Break

:)

Lyrics | Regina Spektor - The Call lyrics

stuffige

Currently listening to:

So... I have been doing a lot of thinking! -I know strange huh? 

I have been thinking about where my life is going...
I want to be thankful for what I have
I want to be satisfied with Christ alone

But then my friends start getting married.
They seem so happy looking in eachothers eyes.

I think of the time spent in pain trying to find the love that was looming within

trying to find a place where maybe today i could fit in

but as my looking turns to despair

I see his face

I look into his hurting eyes

as blood trickles down his face

he smiles longingly

wearing a crown of thorns

He paid my price at the cross

and every time i sin i feel like i bring him back

then I happily embrace his bleeding body

as he walks with me along the treacherous pathway of life

I would love to say im totally satisfied in Christ alone

and I AM

... but im not fully happy

My heart wishes for a companion

to walk beside on the pathway pursuing God together

My brain exploded words on the wall

2nd best

always not cool enough for you

why do i even try anymore

when all you do is shut the door

I have been hurt to many times before

and my bruises are still sore

Its sad to think you wouldn't care if i left

- - -

PET PEVE

If you say you will meet with me

and then something comes up help me to see

your not just ignoring 

let me know 

please?

* * *

Im stuck in the middle of everyones lives

I like to know things 

but they dont care about me

im just a wall

that interacts as they talk

I blurt in uhuh, okays, and yep i get it 

only to get... nuthing in return

The boys that talk to me

like other girls

they need to vent

and supposedly im a good listener

altho as i clean their guts from my clothing

I stop and think how i wished a guy liked me like that

I dont like the boys that talked to me like that

we are friends and friends is all we will ever be

I want a guy that wants to be with me for who i am 

and not how I submit, shut my mouth and listen to your problems

Sometimes i wonder where God is leading me in life

and why all the things happen the way they do

I wonder why people lie just to see people's reactions

when really the people they are hurting the most is themselves

and God who paid for their sin

I cant help but wonder what is going thru their heads

as they sit there and laugh like everything is 

*~*~*~

My heart aches for the people that don't understand the true meaning of 

christmas

easter

and Christian.

Peeps are so stuck in their ways 

the people that want to help them are 

put into hazardous situations

because peeps dont think anyone should tell THEM how to live

OH NO... Peeps dont think they could ever do anything wrong

and when confronted they fight... for what they think is right and travel the path that leads to regret!

# # #

Family Drain

I find it sad

that people that love you the most

are the people you push away the most

the little time you have with them

should be cherished and embraced

but instead its spent complaining 

about when it will be over

the foul language spills out of her mouth

like the glaciers running south

lost in the pit of shame

with only me to blame

I know better than to be like this

but fighting the pattern is hard to fix

Im sorry

Dont worry what people think

Poof there it is...

annoyance stirs in a dark corner of my heart

Begs me to ponder the things of this life

the ways and the water 

that part like the sea

There shouldn't be diversion 

in you and me

I want to scream out 

I want to say no

but all i keep hearing is 

the repetition of the voice 

over & over & over

in 

my 

mind

then... gets lost in the blur

 better

 wiser

smarter?

do you got me

ALL 

FIGURED 

OUT

The utter superiority is 

Driving me away

Ramblings

God has laid a lot on my heart lately!

My lack on patience is getting me in trouble. 

I was convicted of lack of focus 

God showed me the process i follow, over and over again.. that causes me to drift from God.

I PRAYED

 *Jesus, I am so sorry that i continue to sin, because each time i bring you back to the cross*

My eyes had seen to much...

My old  self was full of sin.  

Jesus interrupted my thoughts...

{MY CHILD I LOVE YOU}

I DESTROYED that 

IF........I try to REBUILD what i DESTROYED

I continue to sin

~*~*~*~*~

I died to the law to live for Christ

SO GOOD!

"THE LORD IS SOOOOOOO GOOD" -Suz says with excitement!

It is so true.. the lord is sooo good! 

The start to this semester was hard.  As I prayed the lord revealed alot of things in my life that where not pleasing to him.  It felt like basically my whole life had drifted.  so i submitted and changed.  I prayed and read my bible more. and i seeked God to give me direction.  through this time of repentance i was at a low point.  but i sought after God.  and he built me back up in a way that was pleasing to him! 

Now i am focused.  And got has removed temptation to get distracted!  I am happier because my life is pleasing to the lord.  And the lord is helping me thru! :)

Sleep should come soon! :D

Im about to fall asleep at my computer!!!!!

Im drinking Coca-cola! mmmmm mmmm Good ... Starting to like the vanilla one too! 

Anyhoo... I went to UW-Platteville tonight! :D Tam and John and I went and hung out with my platteville buddies eating pizza then we went to the basketball game and it was intence! but plville won! YAY!

Anyhoo ive been so distracted lately.. i wanted just to have an amazing day and instead i totially forgot about my choir class.. cuz im so distracted with other things.. homework is getting done but not to the best of my ablilities! 

I SHOULD STOP EATING THESE PEANUTS!!!!

Anyhoo.. i will post again prolly tomarrow to catch up on life! right now my bed is calling my name! 

BUHBYE!

avoiding the ocean floor by starting over

I have been thinking a lot about my life and this is what I have come up with: 

2008 was a year of growth... and development... 

I messed up... but I am LOVED and FORGIVEN!

Ive started over... and planed 2009 to be a great year! 



MY FUTURE:

I had a conversation with a friend the other day... I was complaining about how i didnt know what i wanted to do for a career.  I was expressing how i wished God would just tell me so I could start working toward my career.  It didnt dawn on me till later that i was being selfish.  I wanted to know so I could start working.  but the truth is.. that God has my life already prepared for me and all i need to do is obey:

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them" -Ephesians 2:10

So the truth is that i dont need to worry about my future because God has it already planed out for me.  And maybe God is waiting for the right time to tell me what my future career is and where my calling is.  so this semester I can focus on homework and completing the tasks that determine my grades presently.  I tend to think to far ahead and not notice the present thus missing alot of opportunities to use my gift and witness to people.  I dont read the word every day I dont pray like i should.  I dont even worship God like i used to... 

I want to seek his will for my life... and to live my live in such a way that honors him:

"Make me to know your ways, O Lord; teach me your paths.  Lead me in your truth and teach me, for you are the God of my salvation for you I wait all the day long." -Psalm 25:4-5

so for now I will continue to work on strengthening my relationship with Christ because I trust he has something incredible planed for my future:

"Jesus answered him, 'what i am doing you do not understand now, but afterward you will understand.'" - John 13:7

I will work on being patient and seek to trust the Lord!  I will ask the Lord to place me in situations that test my patience!

"The lord is not slow to fulfill his promise as some count slowness but is patient toward you, not wishing that any should perish, but that all should reach repentance.  But the day of the Lord will come like a thief, and then the heavens will pass away with a roar, and the heavenly bodies will be burned up and dissolved, and the earth and the works that are done on it will be exposed."

_______________________________________________

LOVE:

" Love is patient and kind: Love does not envy or boast: it is not arrogant or rude it does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful.  It does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, hopes all things, endures all things." 

-1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving" -Colossians 4:2

"PURSUE LOVE, and earnestly DESIRE the spiritual gifts, 

especially that you may prophesy"

- 1 Corinthians 12:29

I will wait... for the right man... to sweep me off my feet

in the cold of summer nights

I yearn to be at great hights

To be interlocked at the hand

with a man that can stand

On his two feet

and lead the meek

to the satisfying taste

so the night is not a waste

I wish i knew such man

who has no pride

for the world lied

when they said control is grand

now take me by the hand

INNER BEAUTY OF A GIRL:

" Do not let your adorning be external-the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear- but let your adorning be the hidden person of the HEART with the IMPERISHABLE BEAUTY of a GENTLE and QUIET SPIRIT which in God's sight is VERY PRECIOUS."-1 Peter 3:3-4

Im seeking the Lord to teach me how to be patient. I want to be put into situations where I need to be quiet and Gentle... yet i stand up for my beliefs

I pray that God satisys my heart.. and i am drenched in his unconditional love. I dont want to be impatiant i dont want to rush this. I want to be beautiful!

"Not that i am speaking of being in need, for i have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low and I know how to abound.  In any and every circumstance.  I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do ALL things through HIM who STRENGTHENS me. -Philippians 4:11-13

Future career

Dunno what to work for anymore. my future occupation is far to fuzzy. I want to work for God.. to spread his word in what i do. I want to help people. I want to support people. I love music. I love computers. I love figuring out how things work. tearing gears apart to figure out why it does what it does. :) maybe i should go into computers... maybe i should go into counseling ..
my mom seems to stress i need to figure it out... she is strongly sugesting maybe i should go into early childhood education. do daycare.. or teach preschool - cuz people are always having babies. :P true. and it would be rewarding... but i still dont feel like that is the direction i want to pursue... I want an occupation that will get me thru life. i want to be able to support myslef. so i dont have to lean on anyone to help me thru lifes expenses. im sick and tired of not knowing what i want to pursue...