spilled guts

Im not content.

It has come to my knoweldge that for real. I maybe putting on a front. Im happy on the outside. my shell is bright and happy and fullfilled... but truly...

as i lay awake at night. i yearn for something, someone, somewhere, to awaken me again... to bring me truth, to walk beside me, to inspire me to follow my dreams...

---STOP---

Dreams... do i have them.. meh.. sure.
I wanna be successful... pause...
what do i really want in life??? i ponder...

the truth serfaces thru the fog.
I feel critically judged by my parents
I want to make them happy
I have sometimes been forced to give information to them against my will
other times i freely gave information they took it and ran
"how could you do this? how could you? "
I take ownership. I messed up.
But is it really a mess up if i wanted to do it?

oh now we are getting into the serious uptight side of religion are we?

its still sin. even if you liked it... many things we do are pleasurable... but are still
--------SIN---------
and it was and is my sin that put Jesus on the cross.

Which leads me to wonder...
WHY???????
I mean serisouly why in the world would he care SOOOOOOOOO much about me that he wanted to die for me... so that i could live forever with him???
and nothing i could ever do could make him love me any less...

but as i sin i find i love myslef less?

I love alot of things.
food mainly... hmmm yup... it has NEVER let me down.
do i love my parents? yup.. but im suppose to right?
sometimes i dont feel the love. we are so distant
everything i do has a negative thought after it...

After a long day i sit down turn the tv on to relax alittle
I DONT WANT THE TV ON- My mother grieps

+++++++++++++++++++
anyhoo im ranting

the main point is:
my people pleezer charactoristic is totially outa wack.
its so strong its taking over my life.

when i think of what i want to do in life im puzzled.
because idk....
i cant pleeze myself when im trying to pleeze everyone else

______________________________________
I just relized when i feel happy... i think its wrong
Like true happyness... i feel ashamed.
cant tell anyone.. cuz they will judge me
even tho their judgement doesnt matter...
in the case of my parents...
they have used this judgment/dissapline/brainwashing/authority
way to heavily... we are not going to support you financially if you dont do what we say.
____________________________________
my relationships are all messed up with boyz
I dont know what i want
I have the time of my life watching a movie with a guy
I am truely happy... we kiss.
the next day i feel dirty, like i sinned
is this normall?
yet i carry on a serious relationship with a guy thats
not good for me. he just wants to use me. and my
rebelious side knows its wrong but i get a thrill outa
doing it then. and i dont have a hint of remorse.

how is any of this normal?

Why dont i have control of my life

...because... im so far from God.

:(